There is no love without forgiveness

I haven't written in a bit as I've been in a state of...well, I hate to use the word depression as I have nothing to be depressed about.

However, this is typical when I take myself out of the familiar and am alone in a new environment with just ME!

It's just like yoga for me. It's in the movements that space is created. And it is in that space that we place our awareness, focus on the breath and allow any feelings that we've kept tamped down the space to emerge.

It's in the movements of my shamanic journey (following the flow of energy) that I create the space to feel what still needs healing. 

When I'm in unfamiliar territory, space has been freed up, I can feel the feelings of being alone, lonely and sometimes even rejected and abandoned. (I wonder if there were no texting, cell phone and email if I'd feel the same...) These feelings are not reality. I know that I am loved and supported. (Thank you!) 

A friend sent me this picture and asked if I agreed. My answer... I think self forgiveness is the most important, hardest and least mentioned. I think that these feelings that have the space to arise in my movement can be connected to self forgiveness, self love and self respect. 

TRAVELING UPDATE: I've spent the past two weeks ripping up old carpet, preparing the floor and laying laminate with my friend here in Huntington Beach. The past two days, I've had the honor of caring for a 2 month newborn baby, a real honor to be a part of this little one's life. He had a lot that he wanted to say to me! Very Sweet. Friday, I am heading back to AZ to be a part of the Physic Fair in Tucson, then back to HB. 

FUN IN THE SUN

It was a sun shinny Tuesday morning with 10 people on the pier and 20 in the water, waiting to catch that perfect wave! 

I found myself setting at the edge of the pier, eating Starbucks oatmeal with a pod of dolphins swimming below, seagulls flying above and Big Band music in the background from the Ruby's, the restaurant at the end of the pier. Who gets to do this? 

Yes...I've been working hard, but I am also trying to keep balance in my life, so I'm doing one thing each day...different...that isn't working:)

My friend and I rode bikes down the beach trail to Sunset Beach...7 miles each way! (That sounds like work!) But smelling the fresh salted ocean air, the breeze, lovely conversation and people watching....it was pretty painless! Now this is exercise I can get my head around!

It's not all been a bed of roses however. My bed...an old metal framed futon....well each day I add something to try and make it more comfortable. (Today....last resort.....I used some plywood scraps I found while cleaning the garage yesterday. I'll let you know how tonight is! So far it has the metal futon frame, plywood, camping sleeping pads, a feather bed pillow for the entire bed, sleeping bag, futon mattress, mattress pad and sheet!

While I am still consciously breathing through my panty twists...(whatever I can dream up to fret about) I am also keenly aware of the fact that these lovely days at the beach for me are limited and I don't want to miss any of it! Happy....nearly spring! 

WHY NOT?

Why not....why not get up and join the sunrise at the ocean?
Why not...go to the amazing new hotel...The Strand and enjoy the luxurious yet simplistic beauty of just being there?
Why not play in the water or go kayaking?


This trip, like all  others have a theme...this one...Why Not?

I arrived in Huntington Beach, CA on Saturday. I started to work early Sunday morning helping my friend remodel her one bedroom apartment, by ripping up the carpet, tacking strips and linoleum, hauling it all away and dealing with mold!....OMG! Why not? (You're nearly 60!)

We later went to Fred's Mexican Restaurant on the beach to watch the football game and enjoy a margarita. Why not? (There's more work to do!)

Next day: the ocean was calling and I went for an early morning walk on the beach, remembering you all to her and she waved back!  Why not? (There's work to do!) Later, we ripped up the carpet in her son's room (after moving all the furniture) and relaid new...OMG!

I took the time today to visit my sister. The days right now are beautiful...70 degrees...the sun warm, the  crisp ocean smell in the mornings and the smell of campfires in the evening...the already sun kissed, deliciously sweet strawberries that can purchased at the road side stands from the few farmers who still have small fields in town.

Pati, why not enjoy the journey of everyday living? After all....it's all you have. Life doesn't begin....someday....when.....you retire, (LOL) when the kids leave home or the dog dies.....this is it...this is your life....today...in this moment.....My mission this trip to try everything that presents itself to me without making excuses as to why I can't, shouldn't, won't......and just say Thank you....WHY NOT?

PS...to my conservative friend....why not date the girl with pink hair and tattoos?

A Shamanic Journey

Today I leave on what I am calling a shamanic journey. There are many different kinds of shamanic journeys. They can be traveling through spiritual or physical realms or a combination of the two. This one for me is paying attention to the flow of Divine Energy and practicing gaining balance in my life.

On a shamanic journey, one follows the flow of Energy, paying attention to when the Energy is stagnant and when it gives life. Example: My decision to leave AZ was based on the facts that there was no movement of energy for me. Nothing had opened up; not housing, job or relationship. Oh yes, I had places to stay, was making money and I had friends, but nothing has popped up to say this is where to stay for now. 

On a shamanic journey or vision quest, one needs to be flexible and willing to change with the flow of energy. One is on assignment from a Higher Power (God) and goes where they are drawn even when it doesn't make any sense.

On a shamanic journey, you are on a need to know basis. You don't always get to know why you're going where you are or who you'll meet  on your way, whose life will touch yours and whose life you will touch, you simply trust the little voices in your heart and not the ones in your head, resting assured that you are exactly where you are supposed to be! 

I'll be in Huntington Beach for this first leg of my trip, helping my friend remodel her one bedroom apartment, practicing balance, a little bit of work, a little bit of self-care and a little bit of Evolve to Live. 

And so I'm back, embracing change, living from my 22"suitcase and backpack, but now with my new Nissan Sentra, I have my healing table.

And in the shamanic tradition, paying attention to the signs of support, the last two songs that shuffle through my Boze iPod before leaving are...Calling All Angels and On the Road Again...I smile with acknowledgment and gratitude to have been called and having the courage to let go, trust and receive.

Thank you all for your love, support, encouragement, listening ear, friendship and generosity!

Remember to Embrace Change: Adventure is Out There!
Looking forward to seeing you On The Road! 

LETTING SPACE BE.....SPACE!

I was reading a newsletter from Terry Hershey and he had posed this thought:  "It's not just about what I let go of, but what I choose to replace it with."

I wondered:

When we let go...why do we feel like we need to replace the space with something else? Can't we just let the space be...space? 

Why do we have to fill all the spaces in our lives with things to do and more stuff? What makes us so uncomfortable with space? What is the fear that many of us have of space? 

It is the pauses of life that bring beauty. In yoga, we do the movements so at the end, the last resting pose, savasana, (my favorite pose by the way) we save space for the integration of the movements. In music, the resting notes give space to the sounding notes. In childbirth, there is a period of rest between contractions and we take vacations from our jobs.  All of this resting and pausing is space that does not need to be filled...this space has a purpose.  IT JUST NEEDS TO BE SPACE! 

It's in having space that we can pause, reflect and expand. It's in having space that we find time to discover who we were created to be. Ahhhhh, there's the culprit....space to be with ourselves!

This was true for me anyway. As long as I was busy doing, going...filling all the spare seconds in my life, I was safe from ME!

It is in the space that old voices of judgment appear and the not good enough's emerge, which by the way is the gift of space. It's in the space that these feelings can surface, they can be felt and released, thus...freedom and more space:) 

The next time that you are able to let go...try seeing if you can leave the space empty. Rest in it, feel it and just let it be...space! 

THE ANSWERS....ARE WITHIN YOU!

Like all of us, at one time or another, in this life, Simba from the Lion King Movie was struggling to find his own path in life. And like all of us, Simba had tons of support from this side and the other side trying to help him connect the dots of who he is and why he is here on this earth. 

Remember Who You Are...Mufassa reminds his son from the other side.

The movie happens to be on cable the night I arrive at my friend's house in AZ. The statement plays over and over in my mind...Remember Who You Are, as I continually look for someone to tell me what to do! 

I found myself at a Physic Fair on Sunday. I've been invited to be a presenter there but it hasn't worked out in my schedule thus far and I didn't really know what I would present! So before I leave the area I wanted to see what it was all about. 

Looking around, I decided to experience a couple of sessions. I sat in the chair and told the first physic about my trying to decide between several job possibilities. She gave me her take on situations. Then I went for a Shamanic Healing. What I came away with was the fact, (something that I already know but don't trust) is that the answers are inside of me. I need to stop looking for someone else to tell me what to do.

Certainly we have support and guidance in this life from a myriad of places and the fair just confirmed some things that I already knew. Intuitively I know what is right for me all I have to do is to stop, breathe, trust and Remember who I am and where I want to go...achieve in this life! 

FINDING MY PATH

This morning is the first day in a long time that I am by myself (in my friends home in AZ), alone with just me and my thoughts and frankly I'm not too happy about it! I've managed to stay so busy (old patterning) that I didn't have to spend anytime with me!

This alone time gives neglected feelings the space to surface. A song starts playing on my iPod...This is what you wanted...though it isn't what you planned...it feels like my life is slipping away and I wonder why I stay on this crazy journey of following the energetic flow that I have chosen for myself. I can choose to make a change at any time. Why don't I conform? Get a job! The tune continues...You're not dying....you're soul just can't keep up with the band. (W.W.J.B.D. Only Good Thoughts Can Stay by Jared Mees & The Grown Children)

Beginning to doubt myself I begin wondering, "Is it time to settle down?" I was listing for my friends the opportunities that have presented themselves to me as means of financial support. Since I've been here, I've applied for a job at the local recreational center, the presbyterian church and a high end spa in Tucson. I've applied for a job in Grass Valley and now a job has been offered to me in Orange County, CA.

What would I do if it wasn't about money? I'd stay on the road. "Doing what?" you may wonder. "I actually don't know, just following the energetic flow."

Several years back I met a lady here in AZ and I saw her again last night and she told me that literally, I saved her life. I was traveling through the area with my friend in her motorhome and we had a conversation that evening where I evidently had asked her a pointed question. "So, do you feel like you've had enough pain now and are ready to make a change?" I don't remember what was happening in her life at the time, however she must have made the necessary changes because she looked pretty happy.

What keeps me doing what I'm doing? Knowing that we can serve with what we have, where we are at any given moment. Which path to choose doesn't actually matter, they all lead to growth.  I continue the search for my path, wondering which fork in the road to take, watching for signs and support still learning to trust, let go and receive (read more in my books) along the way!

HAKUNA MATATA - NO WORRIES!

Watching the movie The Lion King, I'm reminded: Hakuna Matata, a Swahili phrase literally translated meaning "There are no worries!" 

Since I left AZ at the end of October, I have been in survival mode, major transition. I haven't been doing any writing or movement to move ETL forward. I never knew what each day would bring and it's been a major opportunity to continue practicing trusting, letting go and receiving. (Read more about this in either of my books, GPS for Living or Everybody Wants to go to Heaven).

My journey has taken me from AZ for a month of house sitting in Northern California. The day that job was complete, I did a job for two weeks of helping an artist pack and getting ready to move. When that was over, I drove and spent several days in Oakland with one of my daughters and then headed down to Orange County on the Winter Solstice. We stopped in Malibu and hiked The Solstice Canyon where we sat in a cave, Jim Morrison of The Doors, used to write his songs in. (Amazing day) Arriving in the great OC, I spent a couple of nights there and I then left for a house sitting job back in AZ, where I am now and will continue to be until Jan. 5.

Still working on trusting that my needs are being provided for, I began applying for jobs all along the way. I'm not sure where the doors will open after Jan. 5, but I'm going to make Hakuna Matata my motto for the new year!! No Worries!!