SELF ACCEPTANCE - PART 2

Learning to love myself… every inch… exactly how I am in any given moment didn't come easy… and it's still an on-going challenge.

A few years ago I lived in beautiful spanish style home that was completely secluded in southern Arizona. Because the summer's are so hot and I didn't have the funds to use the air conditioner, it gave me an opportunity to practice loving me… all of me on a daily basis. 

I quickly found out that if you don't use artificial cooling and you don't wear clothes… you weren't hot. So that summer I spent in the nude. 

And there I was… in my face… all day… ME! ALL of ME! For me to see… and experience the judgments that I had developed over the years about myself and my body. 

And then… I even took it one step further. I told my daughter… "I'd watch porn, but I'm afraid I'll die and you children will find it on my computer!" She assured me that it was more popular than my little conservative mind could imagine and gave me a site to explore. 

This was a short lived experiment for me, but it was very revealing. I could witness my resistance and explore my childhood abuse issues from another view point. But mostly what it did for me, was to see the bodies of other women and see that I wasn't any different… better or worse… than any of them. I had the same parts and they were being loved (perception) exactly how they were. Could I do the same for myself? 

So when my aunt blurted out last week You got fat! (Previous post) It was a gift. Simply an opportunity to see how I felt about it. Yes… I had gained weight… now that it was said out loud and I wasn't offended or hurt, I wondered if I could explore another avenue of being conscious and in choice about how I want to move forward in my life.  Whatever I decide to do in the future… eat… exercise… or not…. can I do it consciously? That's my next plan! 

We plan and God laughs!

SELF ACCEPTANCE PART 1

I had to laugh during a recent visit with my 83-year old aunt whom I hadn't seen in over a year. With the innocence of a child, she blurted out, You got fat! 

I reflected back to the writing of my now published, third book, A Year in a Suitcase. As I read back in my journals I had written about my astonishment to the fact that my weight had risen to new heights! During this time, I weighed more than when I delivered any one of my four children! Really? How could that be? How could I have let that happen…. to me?

Like many women, I had been weight conscious and even athletic in my younger years. It wasn’t until my life began to shift in a direction that I was unfamiliar with and all I could do, literally, was to remind myself to wake up and breathe through each moment. I didn’t care about anything else. I couldn’t care about anything else! When I finally began to emerge from The Dark Night of the Soul… I was in disbelief. Was this really my body? Oh how it had changed. I became a bit more aware and conscious of what I was putting in my mouth but I still wasn’t motivated to do much else about it.

While away on a trip, a book caught my attention. It was taken of brave women showing their tastefully exposed naked bodies. The title…. This is Who I Am…. I instantly knew that I would like to make a book titled…. This is My Body…. it is NOT Who I am!

My aunt had given me a gift, an opportunity to take another look at accepting myself exactly how I am. Can I love me… every inch of me without judgment? Can I be in choice? Can I consciously decide what I put into my mouth and enjoy it without guilt? Can I enjoy what I choose to put into my mouth without making excuses or punishing myself at a later date using the excuse, I ate/drank too much. When I get home… I have to fast/run…whatever punishment seems appropriate!

Certainly I want to be as healthy and look as good as possible. However, it seems as important to accept, love and make peace with me… exactly how I am. 

YOUR LIFE: A MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR

Recently, I drove 10,000 miles in 1 month in my little Sentra. I had an outline of where I was going, but let God/The Universe support my desires as they surfaced. 

I started near the Mexican border, headed west to So Cal; drove up to Oakland and then Grass Valley, where I picked up a friend. We headed east to New Hampshire, where I dropped her off and continued to Toronto, Canada, where I picked up my friend from Ireland. He and I continued on to Ottawa, Montreal and Quebec City. I had previously decided that I needed to go to Nova Scotia, with no idea why. One morning on the TV someone was being interviewed and said that he went to Halifax, Nova Scotia twice a year. So we headed east and found an Irish Pub where we discovered there was a car ferry to Portland, Maine. We continued on to Niagara Falls and the journey eventually took me through Canada and down through Upper Peninsula, Michigan and down through Wisconsin where we attended an Indian Pow Wow for July 4th. We continued south through Kansas, Missouri, New Mexico and ended up in Arizona. 

A Magical Mystery Tour; that is our life! We are the co-creators/bus drivers of our life and we get to decide how we want it to look and where we want to go. This first step is simply to  

Get Clear with your desires. What will you create? What brings you joy? What makes you smile?  Don't make excuses or block the flow of energy because you can't understand how it could possibly happen. 

Then, set back, let go and trust… You can't make a mistake! There are no wrong turns. Whichever road you choose will lead you to adventure and growth.

Get Clear… Be Clear with your intention…. write it down… and watch the Magic Happen!!! 

Happy Creating! 

LIVING WAGE; CONSCIOUS LIVING

I've been here in AZ, working 2 jobs to try a get enough money together to publish my first book. Something has come into my awareness that I had known about, but never really internalized. I work at Fry's Market for $7.50 an hour and a waitressing job that pays, $4.25 an hour; certainly, they expect you to get tips and the truth of the matter is, sometimes you do and sometimes you don't.

I am definitely not going to be making this kind of money for ever, however, there are many people who do and my heart goes out to them. I overheard someone in the parking lot telling her friend that she just went to The Olive Garden and when asked if she wanted to purchase an item, she replied, "That's more money than I make in an hour." You really have to begin to think about minimum wage and a living wage. While taking a training class, I met a young mother of 2 small children, living alone....and making $7.50 an hour. Come on, give me a break!

When I first arrived at my waitressing job, I met a woman in her 50's who had several jobs and crocheted potholders and place mats that she was selling for $30 a set. I asked her, what it was that she did with all of her money. She said, "Just trying to survive." She lives in a trailer that needs to be torn down, so the heating and cooling bills are high. She has an older Kia car with a car payment and a few cats.

I am trying to be conscious in my living, what I eat and recycle etc. I am not a fan of purchasing chicken after watching how they're treated in chicken farms. So, if I want chicken, my heart tells me that it has to be free range. However, the reality is I have to work over an hour and a half to buy it when the cooked chicken in the store is only $5. While many are against Walmart, I can buy a bottle of juice at Walmart for $3 when it cost $6 at the regular market. Again, I have to work nearly an hour to have a nice bottle of juice.

What this experience has done for me is open my eyes to how many of us are living. It has made me fully aware of why people choose what they do when it comes to eating and the environment. I can get a $1 burrito or $3 happy meal! It's simply about the money!

Until we as a society are willing to pay a fair wage (a people work for it) social justice for all creation won't be a reality. Sometimes it's easier to live with our heads in the sand about where our food comes from and how things are treated simply because there seem like no other options.

When I'm eating fully consciously and giving thanks, the thanks not only goes to a Higher Power, but also, mostly to the one who has sacrificed it's life for my health. I can no longer eat a fish without reverence when it's lying on the platter, looking me in the eye or eat potatoes that just came out of the dirt with their little faces without a sense of gratitude.

The bottom line, working these low paying jobs has given me a new since of compassion and honor for the people who do them. My hat is off to you all!