SELF ACCEPTANCE - PART 2

Learning to love myself… every inch… exactly how I am in any given moment didn't come easy… and it's still an on-going challenge.

A few years ago I lived in beautiful spanish style home that was completely secluded in southern Arizona. Because the summer's are so hot and I didn't have the funds to use the air conditioner, it gave me an opportunity to practice loving me… all of me on a daily basis. 

I quickly found out that if you don't use artificial cooling and you don't wear clothes… you weren't hot. So that summer I spent in the nude. 

And there I was… in my face… all day… ME! ALL of ME! For me to see… and experience the judgments that I had developed over the years about myself and my body. 

And then… I even took it one step further. I told my daughter… "I'd watch porn, but I'm afraid I'll die and you children will find it on my computer!" She assured me that it was more popular than my little conservative mind could imagine and gave me a site to explore. 

This was a short lived experiment for me, but it was very revealing. I could witness my resistance and explore my childhood abuse issues from another view point. But mostly what it did for me, was to see the bodies of other women and see that I wasn't any different… better or worse… than any of them. I had the same parts and they were being loved (perception) exactly how they were. Could I do the same for myself? 

So when my aunt blurted out last week You got fat! (Previous post) It was a gift. Simply an opportunity to see how I felt about it. Yes… I had gained weight… now that it was said out loud and I wasn't offended or hurt, I wondered if I could explore another avenue of being conscious and in choice about how I want to move forward in my life.  Whatever I decide to do in the future… eat… exercise… or not…. can I do it consciously? That's my next plan! 

We plan and God laughs!

SELF ACCEPTANCE PART 1

I had to laugh during a recent visit with my 83-year old aunt whom I hadn't seen in over a year. With the innocence of a child, she blurted out, You got fat! 

I reflected back to the writing of my now published, third book, A Year in a Suitcase. As I read back in my journals I had written about my astonishment to the fact that my weight had risen to new heights! During this time, I weighed more than when I delivered any one of my four children! Really? How could that be? How could I have let that happen…. to me?

Like many women, I had been weight conscious and even athletic in my younger years. It wasn’t until my life began to shift in a direction that I was unfamiliar with and all I could do, literally, was to remind myself to wake up and breathe through each moment. I didn’t care about anything else. I couldn’t care about anything else! When I finally began to emerge from The Dark Night of the Soul… I was in disbelief. Was this really my body? Oh how it had changed. I became a bit more aware and conscious of what I was putting in my mouth but I still wasn’t motivated to do much else about it.

While away on a trip, a book caught my attention. It was taken of brave women showing their tastefully exposed naked bodies. The title…. This is Who I Am…. I instantly knew that I would like to make a book titled…. This is My Body…. it is NOT Who I am!

My aunt had given me a gift, an opportunity to take another look at accepting myself exactly how I am. Can I love me… every inch of me without judgment? Can I be in choice? Can I consciously decide what I put into my mouth and enjoy it without guilt? Can I enjoy what I choose to put into my mouth without making excuses or punishing myself at a later date using the excuse, I ate/drank too much. When I get home… I have to fast/run…whatever punishment seems appropriate!

Certainly I want to be as healthy and look as good as possible. However, it seems as important to accept, love and make peace with me… exactly how I am.