WORDS ARE NOT JUST WORDS!

Sometimes, it’s the perceived meaning behind the words that can make them confusing!

Nowadays, with all the different ways of communications, words can even be more confusing than ever! Sometimes we may think another person should be available to us, 24.7, via text or email. That simply shouldn’t be the case. There are times when people need their own space or need to process something and the continual texting, expecting a response and getting angry when the correct words don’t follow can feel a bit like badgering to me.

In the ‘good ol’ days!’ people had to communicate in person or by telephone, (yes, there was the pony express too!) but for my argument we’re going to stay with the fact that when you wanted to communicate with someone, you had to go to the telephone (making time, giving them your full attention), dial the number, wait for them to answer, etc. Many times they were not home and so the process began again. When you connected, you were both fully present for the conversation, hearing inflections and tones of the words.

Recently, I had been having a few communication issues with a friend, which doesn’t surprise me in the least, as my themes in life are 1. clear, direct communication 2. boundaries and 3. self-care. After several days of us not being clear in our communications, we worked together at an Open House. We were trying to decide if I should take the signs to his house or keep them in my car. He said, “You can see how it feels!” Because of our previous conversations, I took this to mean, “Now, you can see how it feels, what you did to me!” He meant, “See how you feel, when you’re finished, do you want to take them with you or bring them to my house?” Had he said, “See how YOU feel.” I would have understood that.

In this world of texting and shortcuts, abbreviations...BFF, LOL, etc...so much is lost in the translations. In Ireland, my professor friend uses no shortcuts or abbreviations and so his text look like a paper that was written to be turned in at college! He had gone to the market one day and I texted him the word, butter. Now I understood that to mean, if you haven’t checked out yet, pick up some butter....he took it to mean, at all costs...don’t come home without butter! You can imagine the conversation that followed!!

The point is, texting, emailing, twittering and Facebook can be like second hand information, getting information from a friend about another friend. Don’t take anything personal, go directly to the source when something is written or said that you aren’t clear about. It will save you many heartaches...guaranteed!!

What an Honor

Did you grow up in a home with good communication?

Not me...

Later, I found out that as an adult child of an alcoholic; I learned early not to talk, not to trust, not to feel.

Talking. I had no experience disagreeing with another person and being able to talk about it, no experience of afterward still feeling loved. In fact, I used to think that if someone didn’t like my opinion or viewpoint, they must not like me. My reaction was to simply write them off my friends list. Where I grew up, children were to be seen and not heard! In my family the premise was; If you don't talk about it it will go away. In a sort of perverse reality the family would talk to every person available except the person being talked about.

My very first experience of honest conflict resolution was many years ago when I was employed by the church. A parishioner had befriended me until the new pastor arrived, then I felt dropped like a hot potato. In a spiritual counseling session, my broken hot potato self revealed how I was feeling about the situation. My counselor asked, “So, what would happen if you talked directly to Friend about your feelings?” “Oh no," I dismissed, "It’s not that big of deal, I’ll just forget it…I’ll just forget about him!”

Well, I needed to face this. I had the guts to call Friend and invite him to lunch. Friend agreed and after we ordered he asked, “So, what’s up?” My instant standard reply, “Nothing.” ( I have to tell you 'nothing' was my standard broken hot potato self answer. I mean, even when I would go to the doctor and was asked “How are you doing?”and 'Nothing ', seemed suitable!)

“Come on, Patty, you asked me to lunch, so what do you want to talk about?” Wow, what do I want to talk about? This was truly a first for me. “Well,” I began timidly as it was my first attempt at “being real.” “I felt like you and I were friends before and now with the new pastor, I feel like I’m not your friend any more. We used to spend time together and now it seems like you don’t have any time for me.”

Much to my surprise, he calmly answered me. “Wow, if that’s true than you must really feel used.” “Well, yeah, I sort of do.” “Well then, you must really be hurting.” “Well, yeah, I sort of am.” “Well, I’m really sorry!” he added. (Not so broken hot potato says... what?)

Later that day I came home to Friend's email which read, “If you could see my friend Pati Hope thru my eyes, you’d love her as much as I do!” I love you, Love me.

It’s not necessary that we see eye to eye on every issue in life, in fact that's what makes the world interesting and balanced. That day I first talked a problem out loud with another, with someone I felt safe with, was an evolution for me.

A person we count on as a friend does not take it personally, we’re able to say exactly what we feel and know that we will be loved.

A beautiful, sacred, sharing of our soul. What an honor.

Say what you need to say.....clear, direct, communication!

My dad was always picking on my youngest son; it was never right, it was never good enough, he wasn't thinking, the list was endless.

One day the light bulb went on for me and I said to my dad, "My son, reminds you of your son, C You are saying (not nicely) all the things you never said to my brother. It doesn't feel good!

In my family, we never addressed an issue directly to another person,(we wouldn't want to hurt their feelings) no, of course not. We would simply talk about them behind their back to the rest of the family, and anyone else who would listen. Very intelligent right? Certainly talking behind someones back still is hurtful and any way, it always got back to the one being talked about, and just like the telephone game, it barely resembled the original complaint as everyone added their own personal twist.

Sometimes we may find we are venting on behalf of another, when it is simply a mirror for us to see ourselves more clearly. Stand up for yourself. Choose YOU in every moment. It may be a bit contrary to what many of us were taught, but I can assure you from my personal life experience, things will change, you will be respected and still loved, probably even more.

PS...personal work, has nothing to do with who or where you live or what job you have, once you begin the journey to knowing you, (believe me, it's not as scary as I thought) not only will your life change for the better, it will ripple down to those around you.

Last thought; You are loved, simply because you are, it's not what you do, or how you perform. Simply that you are made in the likeness and image of the Creator....how could it be any different?