HOW DOES RESISTING~ SERVE ME?

As the papers for the final signing of the Riverbend Retreat house arrived....I put them on my desk and did the Scarlet O’Hara thing....”I can’t think about that today...if I do, I’ll just go crazy....I know....I’ll think about it tomorrow!” Well, quite a few tomorrows have passed and they are still sitting there.....Now....what is the resistance?

After spending time with a healer I see when I’m in town, the questions came.....What keeps me in bondage? How is holding on (to the familiar) serving me? I’ve been working on beginning to ‘live in my body’ and feel...what I’m feeling! In order to trust what I know...I have to feel....(Talk, trust and feel are areas in my life that I continue to heal.)

It was easy for me to identify that while owning a home for some is security, for me it’s bondage. I know that in my head, why I can’t I feel that in my body? Why can’t I sign the dang papers!

Again, how does hanging onto the house serve me? After many hours......It keeps me scattered, ungrounded, distrusting what I know. It serves the the wounds....”You didn’t do it right, you didn’t get a good enough price, you’re ungrateful!”

Hmmmm, the house is a place for the wounds to hide....certainly they don’t want me to get rid of their little secret place to breed. I wondered, what would happen when I get rid of one of their little hiding places? The wise parts of me do know that the way to move forward for me is to free myself from the last physical tie to the past.

Next question: Can I totally let go? While people, places and things don’t define us....I’m tied a bit to the idea of being a California Girl....What I also know, until I am willing to trust and let go....I will remain stuck. Because I don’t understand because I can’t se the bigger picture, will I stop the flow of energy because I can’t trust....ME?

Not this time anyway... My cousin, P3 came, sat with me while I signed the papers on 11.11.11.

THE RIVERBEND RETREAT HOUSE

Today it was with joy and sadness that I packed the last of my things and said goodbye to The Riverbend Retreat House in Grass Valley. I had spent several days there alone in ceremony and reflection, a most magnificent gift to me. Putting the last bits and pieces into my friend’s car reminded me of two years ago when I began this journey of letting go of everything and living in a suitcase and backpack. At the very end, it’s a matter of just getting it out of the house and dealing with the remnants later.

My last night there for some reason it was necessary for me to do a through cleaning and I had to be sure that all of the lights were working with two light bulbs in each fixture. (I now see that I needed to be sure that I needed to leave “The Light” behind and 2 representing balance of the masculine and feminine, which was this house.)

As I awoke this AM, the last time I would awake in my old bedroom, I looked at the only original door on the house. When we were putting in new doors, I just couldn’t bear to let this old beauty go. I remembered my dad buying a door for the bathroom which had only a shower curtain over it and the new beautiful front door with the oval shaped beveled leaded glass in it and my resistance to it all.

Many years have passed and much healing was present for me in this sacred place. I met the new owners, something that I hadn’t wanted to do. While I knew that selling this house was in Divine Order, like I can sometimes do, I was still holding on and resisting, saying one thing but I definitely had my brakes on. I was to meet the mother who was buying this house for her daughter and 2 year old grand daughter. I knew it was in alignment with my intentions of this property.

As I walked out the front door for the last time, I remembered thinking how I resisted buying my new car. I had such trouble seeing myself bigger and in a lovely car. I had done the same thing with the woman who was buying my car for her grandson. I said yes but put up many roadblocks. Finally, I explained to her how hard this was for me. The next day when she brought the cash for the car, she also brought a bouquet of flowers and a thank you note which read, “By your willingness to move forward in your life, allows my grandson the same opportunity. Thank You.” I knew that was the case for this house as well.

Before I left, I had bought a cupid angel and a heart picture frame with gold trim on it and a card that was in black and white. It was a scene from the Wizard of Oz, with Toto and his basket and Dorothy’s red shoes...which were sparking red and inside it read, “Welcome to your new home!”

My friend and I began our journey back to Arizona down Hwy 49 which equals a 4 (angel support and continued our journey on Hwy 99 which equals 9 (completion). We had many options when leaving and I found it interesting when I noticed the roads we chose.

I’m not saying it was easy but I am saying I know it was right for me in this moment. The tears are flowing but I mostly think they’re tears of awe, thanksgiving and love for the shelter and opportunities this property has provided for me. And it is with deep gratitude in my heart that I say AHO...a Native American term with many meanings, for me...a heart felt Thank you! And So it Is.....

THE SAGA OF THE RIVERBEND RETREAT HOUSE CONTINUES

The house, clear as mud….in this moment…..as soon as I hit the ‘publish’ button on the blog….already I began spinning with questions and what if’s...

The not trusting came back in full force…..what to do…..recognize….stop and breathe……You were clear in this moment…..that’s all you have to know…..it felt right….the body said it was right….it’s your fucking mind that gets in the way.

I told the realtor, you’re not going to like what I decided. He said that he was jus the mediator. I said (mostly for my own benefit) ‘This wasn’t decided from a knee jerk reaction or a place of resistance. I gave it a lot of thought and I did a lot of personal work around it.

2 things….When all is said and done, I will get $10,000, which I know isn’t any concern of yours, but $6,000 is a lot of money to me. and 2nd, I’m totally confident in the work that was performed….nothing was added, only things were fixed.” He wanted to counter the buyers with the $146,000 pricing….I said yes…..not because I felt pressured or because I didn’t want to back down from what I had said about wanting $150,000 to sell, but because I felt into it and it felt right.

I also said that I didn’t want to wait for 3 days for an answer, as I was planning to come up to paint and put gravel in the front and I needed to begin heading up. So by 5PM today....we’ll know the fate of the Riverbend Retreat House.....in this moment of course!

One hand, it will be nice to be finished…..on the other….the opportunities for growth remains and the journey continues……Hmmmmm, I wonder....What’s around the Riverbend???

I CONSCIOUSLY LET GO OF MY LAST SECURITY…and it came back to me.

Before the Riverbend Retreat House hit the MLS....a buyer came along and I was offered full asking price. (Which was about $15,000 over what the price comparisons were.) Within 2 weeks the buyers changed their minds. The house went back on the market and now I have an offer for $140,000, accompanied by lots of panty - twisting, spinning in chaos and what if’s.

The knee-jerk reaction of NO WAY (which I quickly recognized) gave way to space for me to be with whoever inside was not feeling comfortable with this. I didn’t even respond to the realtor and I needed time.I got on my table, breathed and asked the question. "Who is not feeling good about this?” It was who I affectionately refer to as The Brat...the little one who can run the show if given half a chance. I took the time to be with her and asked her what she was not feeling good about....The tears began to flow, she said, “They always get what THEY want!” Anything else I asked. "I don’t trust realtors!” (Actually the issue is she doesn’t trust anyone...including herself!)

Being the weekend, I had a couple of days to work my way through this part of my life’s journey. What would I learn? How would I become a bit more healed, a little more whole or conversely, how would I abandon myself, saying yes when I meant NO?

I spent several days with her, loving her, reassuring her that the wise parents (inside me also) (sounds like Sybil huh!) have heard her and value what she had to say. The wise masculine went directly to ‘figuring out the pros and cons’ while the wise feminine took the time to breathe and feel into how her body was feeling....

I pulled an angel card....The Time Is Not Now.....could mean anything...what did it mean to me? The journey isn’t over....Don’t say YES unless that is exactly what you mean! What is it that you will accept in this situation? BE CRYSTAL CLEAR!

Remembering a couple of conversations this past week, I applied them to my life....1. Give someone a fish and they eat for a day, teach them to fish, they eat for a lifetime.....The house....sell it....you have money for today....rent it....you have (the potential) for money a lifetime. 2. Stop seeing The Lovely Riverbend Retreat House as a burden and begin to see and love it again, like you used to, appreciating it AS THE GIFT THAT IT IS!

BEING CRYSTAL CLEAR.....WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WILL ACCEPT IN THIS SITUATION? I WILL ACCEPT $150,000 FOR THE RIVERBEND RETREAT HOUSE or I WILL ACCEPT A LOVELY ARTIST IN LIFE’S TRANSITION TO RENT MY BEAUTIFUL HOME, LOVING AND TAKING CARE OF IT AS IF IT WERE THEIR OWN! THEY WILL HAVE JOY AND GRATITUDE IN THEIR HEART EACH MONTH THEY WRITE THE CHECK AND PUT IT IN MY ACCOUNT ON THE FIRST WITH JOY! THE GIFT OF THE RIVERBEND RETREAT HOUSE BRINGS SPACE FOR HEALING FOR ALL WHO ENTER FROM THE INSIDE OUT!

What do you have to do now? Claim back my space....stop being a victim. Stop apologizing for having an inferior product to sell. I’m going to reclaim and rededicate the Riverbend Retreat House by holding a ceremony either long distance or on site, burning sage, calling upon Spirit, asking St. Michael to protect it and all who come there and St. Raphel to stay present for healing....And this my friends....will be a journey however it turns out. If someone buys it for $150,000 they are the ones who are to benefit from the sacred space. But now at least I am confident in whatever happens.

But the real piece for me....I heard the little one who was uncomfortable, listened and found my center once again....

I CONSCIOUSLY LET GO OF MY LAST SECURITY, RIVERBEND RETREAT HOUSE

While visiting the Wizards (my family) in Oz, (Kansas), I was dealing with my house rental. While it had been great the first year that I rented it, the second renters were not as cooperative. I had finally hired a property management company (who did a worse job than I was doing) and we gave 30 day notice to the tenants. I then had to hire legal services to complete the process.

Still not sure if I was going to re-rent or sell, I knew of someone who thought that they may be interested in renting the property, which didn’t pan out. (Roadblocks) To be honest with myself, I had been borrowing money to move ETL forward, money that was tied up in the house. Next step, test the waters for selling. It was a big decision as it would be the end of my past life, my last connection with my dad (on a material level) and a dying of Patty Hobbs and a life style of the past. All loans and all banking in California would come to a close. No real connection to California would be left, well except my driver’s license and car registration.

On Wednesday, I called the realtor, put the house on the market and had nearly a full offer on Saturday. They were asking for $2,800 credit for closing costs and they wanted me to pump the septic. The tears began to flow. Was it because of the previous reasons mentioned or was it that I was mad at God/The Universe, for giving me $2,800 less than what I said? (A test:) Once I came to my senses, I knew that I needed the full price in order to be sure that I was to sell, after all, it hadn’t even hit the MLS market yet.

While I wanted to be fair and compromise with the new buyers, I also wanted to leave the land ‘sacred’ for the new owners of the Riverbend Retreat House and so I agreed to pump the septic. (A willingness to clean up the last of my ‘shit!’!)

While it is a bit scary for me and I easily can spin in the ‘it’s not the right time to sell’ attitude that many share with me, I can say that it was the right time for me. The doors were clearly closing in the rental arena and while I love Grass Valley and the people, I knew that it wasn’t where I was to live.

Like in the Wizard of Oz, Glenda, the good witch said to Dorothy, The Tin Man and Lion, YOU HAVE THE POWER YOU’VE ALWAYS HAD IT, we know the answers to all of our questions. They are inside of us. We have the power to do and make changes in our lives. We just have to believe that we do!

So now that I have made the decision and I’m flowing in the river once again, I’ll remember what the Hopi Elders said, “Push off the edge and flow with the waters.” I’ll not cling to the familiar, holding onto the edge, while loose debris rams into me. Instead of trying to paddle my way up a very swift stream, I’m going to relax, not look back and trust that the waters that I’m floating on will continue carry me to new adventures and I’ll leave the ‘What if’s and doubts behind!”

Happy New Beginnings as jobs and schools resume!!!!!

NEW DIGS IN TUBAC, AZ (Come visit!)

After being on the road for the past 8 weeks, I’m finally relatively settled in my new digs. I’ll be in Tubac AZ until Jan. and living in the moment, I’ll just enjoy my time here. I understand that the desert is most beautiful in April and May and the monsoons, rain and electrical shows are spectacular around July and August. I’m excited to experience this. My main focus of course is to try and stay focused so that I can finish the next book, GPS For Living and trying not to get my panties too much in a twist as I continue to evolve.

As I think back, I’m pretty amazed at the fact that while I was in such a state over leaving the bed behind in Chicago, I didn’t have to spend one day in this beautiful retreat space house, without furniture or a bed. When I arrived last Sunday, I went to an estate sale and acquired, brand new (looking) couch, loveseat, chair, ottoman, king size bed, complete with lovely bedding, including the pillows and mattress pad, 2 bar stools, 2 end tables for $600. Keeping in the theme with my learning self care, I had to receive this gift but then I justified it. Well, that comes to only $65 a month until Jan.

Later in the week, my daughter’s friend gave us, a queen bed, dining room table and hutch, couch, coffee tables and end tables. I was surprised that he was getting rid of these things. When I first saw his home, I thought that he had just remodeled.

Of course, I began the process of chastising myself, “If you would have just waited, you wouldn’t have had to spend money on the first furniture.

Ah, but then I became clear. What I have learned is not to stop the flow of Energy, just because I don’t understand it.

So on second thought, if the furniture is coming, Riverbend Treat House (Grass Valley, CA) must be expanding to Tubac, AZ.

It will be interesting to watch things unfold.